


t&i trio omakes

by IceisAwesome



Series: T&I Trio [2]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe of an Alternate Universe, Dead peanut gallery, Everyone thinks the terrible trio are from Mist, Female Uzumaki Naruto, Gen, Jiraiya is a dumbass, Kakashi futilely tries to convince people his kids are from Konoha, Team 7 trolls the Akatsuki
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-14
Updated: 2017-05-05
Packaged: 2018-10-18 14:10:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,347
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10618569
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IceisAwesome/pseuds/IceisAwesome
Summary: AUs and outtakes that don't fit into the main verse of the story.





	1. Akatsuki

The package had arrived two hours ago, a brown box with no identifying markings.

Setting aside just how they were tracked down, the more pressing issue was just what the box could contain.

They could use clones to open the box, but Hidan had been especially annoying lately, so he was picked by unanimous vote.

Said immortal gingerly opened the box before leaning back and staring. Once it seemed like no traps were present the rest of the Akatsuki members inched closer and closer before peering into the box.

“Itachi,” Pein eventually spoke, “wasn’t Orochimaru headed to the chuunin exams to recruit your brother?”

“Yes he was.”

“So, I have to ask, are you seeing what I’m seeing?”

“What are you seeing leader-sama?”

“I’m seeing Orochimaru’s severed head.”

“Oh good,” Tobi spoke up then, “Tobi’s not hallucinating!”

There was a moment of silence as everyone else not-so-subtly edged away from him.

Finally, after getting an elbow in his ribs, Hidan warily reached into the box and pulled out the head. As the rest of the Akatsuki members looked at the head, trapped in a permanent scream, Kisame reached into the box and pulled out a piece of paper lying on the bottom.

“To the Akatsuki,” the missing-nin read, “you’ll have to try harder next time! Make sure the next one is more of a challenge.”

“Is it addressed from anyone?”

“Says it’s from Naruto, parenthesis jinchuuriki, Sakura, parenthesis best friend, and Sasuke, parenthesis other best friend.”

"Uh," Kisame paused "then there's a smiley face and three hearts following it."

“Itachi?”

“Yes, leader-sama?”

“What the fuck?”


	2. Jiraiya

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> May or may not be how Jiraiya meets Naruto in the main fic, but the idea wouldn't leave me alone.

**Side 1**

* * *

 “Why,” Sasuke starts then pauses, “why are we sending you into a bar?”

“It’s happening because sensei is too injured to do it and Sakura is too flat chested to pass for someone who could get into a bar. No offense meant Sakura.”

“None taken.”

“And you” Naruto points at Sasuke, “are very obviously a thirteen year old boy.”

“It’s fine” she emphasizes, looking at Sasuke. “We know what he looks like and you’ll be waiting in the back for my signal. Think of it as a mission, like I’m finding a target.”

“And if he doesn’t realize you’re the contact?”

“If Konoha’s spymaster doesn’t recognize an infamous chuunin, I weep for the future of the village.” Naruto responds flatly.

“Now come on, take your places.”

* * *

She’s sitting in a corner, nursing a drink for appearance’s sake, and she’s already had to threaten off three men.

Turns out even drunk men aren’t so persistent when you put a heel to their groin and describe all the ways you could castrate them.

Finally, finally, the man stumbles through. Naruto eyes this Jiraiya-her godfather-skeptically. He doesn’t look like much, but the most powerful shinobi don’t need to bother being intimidating.

She’s taking another sip of the drink-the mildest alcohol they have-when a body slides into the booth next to her.

There’s an arm around her, there’s alcohol on his breath, and Naruto’s frozen in the middle of the tacky pickup line he’s spouting once she realizes who it is.

Holy shit. Holy fucking shit, the academy never covered this.

Jiraiya-fucking Jiraiya-seems to be waiting for her answer, so she smiles up at him, pressing a heel into his foot and grabbing hold of his hand.

“Minato,” she starts, “would be so disappointed.”

And then she’s slamming a pointed heel into his flesh and snapping back his wrist, watching in satisfaction as he doubles over.

“What-” the man starts, before looking up into bright blue eyes.

Naruto watches as his expression cycles from confusion to realization to dawning horror.

“You-” the man starts but doesn’t finish.

“Congratulations,” Naruto informs him, “you just tried to have sex with your goddaughter. Even Orochimaru didn’t manage to be  _that_ creepy.”

* * *

  **Side 2**

He’s already pleasantly intoxicated by the time he walks into the bar to meet the contact. He knows they dragged Tsunade back kicking and screaming, he has no intention of following.

Konoha’s usual contacts stick out in a civilian crowd like this, but no one has the markings of a shinobi on an assignment.

Either they’ve gotten better-which he doubts-or they’re late.

If they’re going to be late he’s not going to bother to behave.

There’s a pretty blonde nursing a drink in the corner-sixteen he’d guess, new to the scene, and he’s focused on nothing but her.

She shoots him an absolutely enticing smile once he finishes, and he’s thanking the gods this girl must have a kink for older men, when she speaks.

“Minato,” she purrs, “would be so disappointed.”

He’s too focused on the pain of having his wrist snapped-fuck, this girl definitely isn’t a civilian-when her words register.

Oh no. No, no, no. 

He looks up-shit. That’s Minato’s hair, that’s Minato’s eyes.

“Congratulations,” Minato’s daughter drawls, “you just tried to have sex with your goddaughter. Even Orochimaru didn’t manageto be _that_ creepy.”

For fucks sake, Jiraiya thinks, if the universe wanted to give him a wake up call it could’ve been a little gentler.

Naruto steps up from the booth, smoothing down her dress, before turning to him. “I’d say we’ll never speak of this again, but I can’t wait to see the look on sensei's face when he finds out. And Tsunade's. And Jiji's.”

Fuck, he’s dead.


	3. Afterlife

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> set in the afterlife around chapter 12 in the main fic

A shout of “Really, Hiruzen? Really?” comes echoing down the halls, the card players looking up from their game at the noise.

“Ignore him,” Kushina says wryly, “he gets this way sometimes.”

Mikoto nods and returns her gaze to her cards, but her husband raises a brow.

“Gets this way?”

“Oh, you know,” she gestures. “He gets upset about Naruto being alone and cheers up when he thinks of T&I and then gets more upset about Naruto being there.”

“I see?” Fugaku blinks.

“Right now he’s on the cursing out Hiruzen stage, so he should be done soon enough.”

The sound of footsteps draws closer and then Fugaku blinks in surprise as a body falls into the chair next to Kushina.

“You’re too calm about this.” Minato glares, “You’re way too calm about our _child_ being a _torturer_.”

“Deep breaths dear” Kushina responds before laying down her cards and smiling in triumph when Mikoto frowns in response.

“How can you be so calm?!” her husband wails, and judging by the slight twitch of her brow in response, this is a common complaint.

“Naruto has a family” she snaps back. “Naruto has adults that love her and she has two friends that adore her. She could be raised by terrorists and I would be happy as long as she was happy.”

“Our daughter is healthy and happy, and if that’s due to a group of torturers I’ll make sure to thank them when they pass on.”

There’s an awkward pause, Minato pouting, before Mikoto speaks up.

“Sasuke smiled three times today.”

“What?”

“He smiled today,” she says, relief obvious in her voice. “Morino complimented him after a spar and he smiled. He smiled at Sakura when she joked with him and he smiled at Naruto when they were talking over dinner. I fully expected to see Sasuke become an empty shell. He is smiling and laughing and continuing on. He is _loved_ , and if that is because of Morino Ibiki and his colleagues, I am very willing to overlook them teaching my son to torture.”

"I will admit to initially being displeased with this turn of events" Fugaku interjects, "but his mental health has shown marked improvement. They are dedicated to helping him and they care about him as a person, not as the last of our clan."

There's a pause, Minato looking thoughtful, before he speaks.

"Fine, but I'm _definitely_ yelling at Jiraiya and Hiruzen."

Kushina pats her husband's hand.

"Of course we are."


	4. Mist 1

1.

The first time it happens Kakashi is caught off guard, only years of ingrained reflexes keeping him from losing an arm as he stares in shock.

“I didn’t think Konoha would be in the habit of kidnapping kids” Momochi Zabuza, the demon of the hidden mist and current missing-nin, tells him, aiming another strike as he barely manages to dodge.

“We don’t” Kakashi insists in response.

“Really?” even through the bandages Kakashi can hear his disbelief.

“Those kids are hellcats, there’s no way in hell you fucks managed to raise kids as vicious as that.”

Kakashi twists to aim a strike at his chest while he raises his sword, catching a glimpse of Naruto and Sakura disemboweling and decapitating Gato’s thugs while Sasuke seems locked in a battle of poison with the missing-nin’s apprentice.

“What are you saying?” he eventually asks.

“Don’t play dumb, Copy-nin. Only one place breeds kids like that, and it’s sure as hell not Leaf. I just want to know who was desperate enough to try looking in Kiri.

“They’re not from Kiri!” Kakashi shrieks in shock, ignoring the way everyone on the battlefield turns to stare at him.

“You’re a shit liar, Copy-nin” the man responds flatly before doing something Kakashi wasn’t prepared for.

Kakashi knew the man was travelling with a kid, he didn’t expect the fucker to try to steal _his_.

Zabuza grabs hold of Sasuke and prepares to shunshin away when Naruto pauses in the middle of disemboweling to take a running leap at the man. Sakura soon follows, and the demon of the mist is soon getting his ass kicked by a pair of preteen girls.

Kakashi doesn’t even bother trying to hide his laughter, watching as Sakura kicks him in the crotch and Naruto ties a garrote around his neck.

Sasuke takes care of the apprentice, slamming a paralyzing poison into his neck, and soon both are unconscious.

“Come on,” Naruto says gleefully, “let’s loot their stuff!”

“You don’t want to kill them?”

“Of course not,” Sasuke responds, “then how would we gloat when we see them next?”

Well, no wonder the man thought they were Mist nin. 

2.

Looking back, the first time was funny, even if it meant Konoha’s reputation was really that bad.

The second time isn’t.

Sakura and Sasuke are the first matches in the preliminaries of the chuunin exams, and their opponents are both mist genin.

Kakashi watches as they wipe the floor with their opponents, and then chokes at what happens after.

The kids have left their opponents bloody and bruised and broken, and said opponents both propose.

Sakura seems flattered, though she declines, while Sasuke merely stares at the bleeding girl before exiting the arena.

It’d be amusing if that was it. It isn’t though, not with the way the new mizukage frowns at his kids.

Fuck, not again.

This Terumi Mei compliments them, compliments their parents, and clearly seems to be fishing for information.

He barely restrains the groan that comes when Naruto cheerfully informs her she’s an orphan. He does groan when Sasuke and Sakura follow suit.

It ends up taking four hours and the hokage’s intervention to convince the mizukage that the kids aren’t mist-nin, Konoha didn’t kidnap them, and no, they don’t want to defect to Kiri (once Mei finally believes them.)

3.

The third time is Naruto’s fault. Kakashi swears that up and down when T&I comes calling because there is no way in hell that clusterfuck wasn’t caused by his most troublesome student, the one that courted chaos.

Turns out some Kiri officials weren’t as convinced of Kakashi’s claims as Mei was. So, in typical shinobi fashion, said officials decided their best bet was to kidnap the kids and bring them back to Kiri.

Instead of explaining the situation or knocking them out and sending them back to Mist like normal people, Naruto decided to have some fun. And of course, since they did everything together, she managed to convince Sasuke and Sakura to play along.

He has to admit Sakura was a brilliant actor, tearfully spinning a story of abduction and would-be indoctrination by Konoha shinobi. Her acting skills are good enough to fool even Mist-nin, since one of them immediately tries to comfort her, in the emotionally repressed/vaguely psychopathic way Kiri has.

Said sob story turned out to be a distraction for Sasuke to slip sedatives into their food and Naruto to steal their stuff.

By the morning the Kiri trio are hung up in front of the ramen stand by their feet, _Konoha Rules!_ painted across their faces.

Thankfully Kiri agrees not to demand reparations, not once they realize they were outsmarted by a trio of Konoha chuunin.

At least it turned out alright, Kakashi thinks, once word reaches him that Iwa and Suna are a lot friendlier. Apparently outsmarting Mist jounin was enough to impress them.

4. 

Kakashi is only a man. He’s only a man, so when one of the seven swordsman, the one that thought joining Akatsuki would be a fantastic idea, tries to steal his kids, he thinks his reaction is justified.

This Kisame is convinced the trio are Mist shinobi-and really, is Konoha raising them that unbelievable? 

Either way, the man tries to kidnap them and Kakashi has had enough. 

He flies at the swordsman, kicking him into a tree with an inarticulate scream of rage, before speaking up.

“They are not from Mist! When will you fuckers get this?! Sasuke is an Uchiha! Sakura’s parents are Konoha merchants! Naruto-”

“My parents were Namikaze Minato and Uzumaki Kushina” the girl interjects.

“Exactly!” Kakashi agrees before freezing.

“How-how did you know?”

“The fox told me.” Naruto grins at him, bright and cheerful, and Kakashi sighs.

 _Godsdammit_ Mist.

5.

The fifth and final time takes place in Kiri.

The Mist is holding the jounin exams, and despite Kakashi insisting otherwise, the Hokage decides his kids will be safe there. (Sure, they’re not really kids any longer, but they’re his.)

Kakashi insists he come along though, there’s no telling what Naruto might do or if Mist will try again to convince them to defect.

That’s how he ends up on a busy street, staring at the newly pardoned Hoshigaki Kisame.

He reaches out without thinking, grabbing hold of Naruto’s collar and yanking her behind him.

“Relax, copy-nin,” the man snickers, “I get it, your kids are from Konoha. Mei and Zabuza are still going to try to recruit them, but you won’t get any attempts from me.”

“And why not?” Kakashi challenges without thinking. “My kids are great. I’ll have you know-”

“Sensei.” Sasuke speaks up. “You’re being embarrassing.”

“Yeah, sensei” Kisame laughs back, “you’re being embarrassing.”

Kakashi glares, doing his best to set the man on fire with his mind.

“I have to ask, though, just who trained you. There’s no way in hell this one-” he jabs his thumb at Kakashi, “would be able to raise Kiri quality shinobi.”

“Ibiki-sensei taught us.”

“Morino Ibiki?” the swordsman asks. “ _That_ Morino Ibiki?”

“Yep!” Naruto beams back.

“Looks like Zabuza owes me 50 ryo, then” Kisame responds, clearly pleased, and Kakashi rolls his eyes.

“That’s great for you. Now come on-” he directs at his trio, “I want to get out of here before Mist realizes you’re gone.”

“We still have the tournament” Sakura points out, and he sighs.

“Fine.” Kakashi concedes, “you can enter the tournament. Just try not to fuck with the mist-nin, alright?”

“I make no promises.” Naruto promptly responds before taking off down the street, Sasuke and Sakura following after her.

“Hey,” Kisame interrupts, “I’m meeting Zabuza for a drink. You wanna tell us about them?”

Kakashi pauses. On one hand that’s an obvious attempt to get information. On the other hand, he really wants to brag about his kids with people that can appreciate them.

“Sure.”


	5. Mist 2

Kisame has to admit, he likes the Copy-nin’s kids more than expected.

He doesn’t believe the rumors about them being Mist anymore, even if they did manage to take down a few jounin. He knows the Uzumaki is a jinchuuriki and intelligence insists she’s the spitting image of Namikaze. The boy has the sharingan, so he’s out. He supposes the other girl could be from the mist, but he’s never seen anyone in Kiri with naturally pink hair.

But the kids have a wicked sense of humor and a passion for violence that wouldn’t be out of place in Kiri. He gets why Zabuza likes them and Mei is doing her best to recruit them.

The best thing about them, though, is how dedicated they are to driving their sensei nuts.

The trio and Hatake are walking with him to a new restaurant and turn the corner just in time to hear one of the ANBU on guard duty whisper “I didn’t think the Copy-nin had it in him to train kidnapped kids.”

“They were not kidnapped!” Hatake shouts, spinning around to point a finger at the guard.

“But, sensei” Uzumaki says, voice wobbling, “I never knew my parents!”

“Konoha told me mine died before I was born,” The Uchiha adds, “but they never told me their names.” He masterfully manages to sound both stoic and stricken with grief.

“I grew up in the orphanage” the pinkette sobs, turning to put her face in the boy’s shoulder.

The guards are looking torn between pity and rage, glaring furiously at Hatake, when the man throws his hands up with a shout.

“Fine!” he shouts, “Fine! If you wanna think they were kidnapped, they were kidnapped!”

Kisame laughs, long and loud, when Hatake turns around just in time to see the shinobi gathered behind him.

Naruto’s biting her lip to keep from laughing, while Sasuke has buried his face in Sakura’s hair, shoulders shaking in what could easily be mistaken for a sob.

* * *

 

Jiraiya is the first to admit he and Naruto didn’t get off to the best start. Abandoning the kid for twelve years and then hitting on her as soon as he met her didn’t exactly leave the best impression.  
Still, he cares about the kid, so when rumors from Mist start mentioning her name he investigates.

Of course, he thinks when he finally hears just what Kiri shinobi are saying. Of course Naruto managed to convince most of Mist she was abducted by Konoha. Why the hell wouldn’t she? He knows her sense of humor, he knows she has think it’s the funniest shit.

At least her parents would be happy, Jiraiya begrudgingly admits as he downs a shot of sake. Minato would doubtlessly be pleased by her managing to fool a major power and Kushina would find it absolutely hilarious.

And he can use it to his advantage, he realizes after his spies catch some of the Mist-nin passing on information addressed to Naruto. Apparently she’s improved Mist’s reputation enough for them to commit treason.

That doesn’t stop the headache he’s rapidly developing, but at least something good comes out of this mess.

* * *

 

“Naruto,” Ibiki finally manages, staring her down. “I honestly don’t know whether to be proud or strangle you.”

“Let’s go with pride,” she suggests, smiling when Anko laughs from her place at Ibiki’s side.

“Don’t worry,” Anko adds, “he’s not actually mad at you.”

“Anko, don’t you dare-” Ibiki starts, only to be interrupted.

“He’s just upset because all of the missing-nin from Mist refuse to believe he raised you three.”

“Sensei! You do care!”

Ibiki scowls. “You already knew that, you brat.”

“Well, yeah” Naruto drawls. “Doesn’t mean it’s not fun to tease you about it.”

There’s a pause, Anko giggling and Ibiki pressing a hand to his brow, before he speaks.

“Just...just get out of my office.”

“Sure, sensei,” she responds, tossing him a sloppy salute and sauntering out.

“It’s cute.” Anko says once Naruto’s out of sight.

“The great and terrible Morino Ibiki, upset because people refuse to believe he has a daughter.”

“Tell anyone and I’ll slit your throat” he threatens with no real bite.

“Uh-huh,” Anko snorts. “Pretty sure all of Konoha already knows the kid has you wrapped around her finger.”

Anko only laughs again when he scowls, patting him on the shoulder and ducking the retaliatory shove before running out the door.


End file.
